Rachel Ward: What I know about men

My father, Peter, was an aristocrat. It made him not English, but an elite. He was definitely a man who was only interested in status, power and money. Consequently, he had very little to do with my upbringing. He didn't like educated women and didn't want to be challenged by them. They were to be pretty and make him laugh. In the world I came from, women would leave the table so men could take about politics and smut.

In his own way, he loved my mother, Claire, but she wasn't involved in decision-making. Her role was to organise weekend parties at Cornwell Manor, our 16^th century, 12-bedroom home in Oxfordshire. She lived in London during the week, so I was raised by a succession of nannies. When she came back at weekends, the only time I’d spend with her was in the greenhouse, choosing flowers before the guests arrived.

My brother, Alexander, grew up with the expectation he was the primary child that would inherit and succeed. My parents were devastated when he didn't get into the schools he was supposed to. Yet my sister, Tracy, and my reports were completely inconsequential, as we were expected to marry men of privilege and would be taken care of by them. Neither Tracy nor I was mentioned in my father’s will. It’s extraordinary that patrilineage still exists.

I find it impossible to have relationships with men in any kind of authority. Therefore, I had enormous problems working with male directors in Hollywood. I remember the arguments with [director] Taylor Hackford about the red bathing suit, diamond earrings and Ferrari for my role in Against All Odds [1984]. All of it pandered to male fantasies. I was mortified of the view of women, of this character. I felt like a chauffeur in my body, like my body wasn’t me. That it was their only interest.

For a short time, I dated David Kennedy. We met when I was 21 and modelling in New York. He was sensitive and gentle, which was attractive. David was very young when his father Robert F. Kennedy died, and it had an enormous impact on him. He had a drug addiction and was a troubled soul. He didn't have the arrogance of the other Kennedys because he was lost and struggling. But in the end he couldn’t get himself together and went under.

The most important thing a man can do is to make me laugh, and Bryan Brown did that from the moment we met on the set of The Thorn Birds in 1983. He had a real sense of fun, and was very certain of himself without being arrogant. I hadn’t met many Australians and so he was exotic. He also had a great body.

Our first kiss was on screen and we took it from there. Because shooting the mini-series took a long time, by the end of it we knew each other extremely well. He proposed one night after a huge fight. I had taught him to play gin rummy and he kept beating me. I threw the cards on the floor and it was all over. Bryan wasn't the sort of person who was going to hang around, so it was either going to be over then, or we’d be together forever. My decision to accept was made on the turn of a sixpence. At times you have to follow your instincts, hold your nose, and jump.

We've been married for 31 years and the reason it works is because I don't let Bryan get away with any shit. Our roles are equal. I also bring in an income, and we worked out a balance to raise Rosie, 29, Matilda, 27 and Joe, 21. We also split the chores. I could never be married to a man who I felt was not taking his share of duties. Bryan is also sensitive and emotional. He is infinitely interested in humanity and has amazing control of his instinctual masculine urges. He does not let power,ambition or arrogance rule him. I picked a goody, so there’s no reason to move on.

I have to say, I am off men after seeing the PETA footage of Australian shearers punching and murdering sheep. Makes you think, “So this is what happens when you get groups of men, where the civilising nature of women is absent.” If there had been a woman in that shed, it would never have occurred. You just wonder, “What is that overload of testosterone? What is it that’s driving that violent behaviour?” These men need to come to terms with evolution. That kind of aggression and domination might have been useful in Neanderthal days, but not now. A lot of men don't know what to do with it, and it ends up in very destructive places.

I certainly take men on. Maybe not when I was young, but I definitely do now. If I am confronted by unacceptable behavior I feel qualified and confident to challenge it. I find it very alienating, which is why I guess I only really enjoy the company of men who are creative. Those who have developed sensitivity and who are really in touch with their feminine side.

Devil’s Playground directed by Rachel Ward, screens as part the Melbourne International Film Festival (31 July to 17 August). More info via miff.com.au