What to do with all that excess loo paper: a ridiculous guide

Toilet paper hoard sorted: Now what?

LOOK what you've gone and done, you silly consumer; you've bought 184 rolls of toilet paper.

As your mother-in-law told you, that's just plain ridiculous.

And even though you've given the executives of Kleenex, Quilton, Sorbent and Purex a guaranteed Christmas in the Swiss alps, it's time reality caught up with you.

Now that the sheer lunacy of bulk toilet paper buying is starting to subside, many will be reflecting on what to do with all that excess.

It's curious that in a world where everybody feels good about sharing social posts about the "war on waste", that same world is a key cause for excessive consumerism and broadscale wastefulness.

That aside, here are some less-than-handy ideas to make the most of your loo roll stockpile.

Paper Mache: Get crafty and turn each one of those spare squares into a paper mache creation. A bit of flour and water, plus a balloon and you can make your own globe, just like you did in grade two. Actually, the amount of paper some people have, they may very well be able to do a 1:1 scale model of the earth.

Mummy Costumes: Even though that very unAustralian concept of Halloween is still seven months away, now might be the time to start planning that mummy costume. Simply wrap yourself up in toilet paper and away you go.

Spitball Championships: Nothing soaks and flicks quite like pea-sized pieces of toilet paper. The whole community could come together for the regional try-outs before the Australian Spitball Championships are held in the foyer of Parliament House in Canberra. A few extra ceiling cleaners may needed.

Down the Shed: Those old cloth nappies or Hypercolour t-shirt can get a reprieve from soaking up oil spills or petrol splashes if you take a few hundred rolls down the shed. The added bonus will be the slight fragrance of "seaside calm" or "potpourri dream" wafting throughout the mancave.

Prank-O-Rama: Go on, be honest- you know where your former high school principal lives these days. Time to decorate his/her front tree with toilet paper, like some sterilised New Year's party. Be warned though - if it's a few years since you were at high school, then the retirement village where Old Man Jorgensen lives will probably have security cameras in place.

Curry and Prune Fest: Toilet paper was bought for a purpose (other than trying to gain a sense of control in an uncontrollable situation) and that was to, well, hopefully you know. So why not actually use it for that purpose? In order to go through the amount of paper we're talking, you're going to have to up the "fibre throughput", and so what else but Australia's first Curry and Prune Fest. Or maybe a Crab Meat and All Bran Fair. Maybe Metamucil or Laxettes could come onboard as major sponsors?

Sign and Sell: Trying to offload the toot-rolls onto eBay or Facebook Classifieds is going to be tricky in a crowded market so you need a point of difference. This is where forging celebrity signatures can come into play. Grab yourself a Sharpie and sign away. Who wouldn't pay big money for a roll signed by Chris Hemsworth or Katy Perry? If you really want to take a gamble, drop Elvis's name on there or Slim Dusty, for an extra special historical priceless piece of memorabilia.

Mega Ply: Everyone has their preference; two ply, four ply and the budget conscious public toilet grade, one ply. But could there be a market out there for eight ply, 10 ply, 22 ply? Now you have unlimited access to it, you can merge some to create your own preferred ply. Certainly something to ap-ply yourself to...

Dunny Olympics: Another community event, the Dunny Olympics will bring out the competitive nature in people as well as using up some of that paper. Wet roll shotput; rhythmic gymnastics (with some toilet paper instead of that ribbon); high jump (bar replaced with a strand of toilet paper and landing mats replaced with a mound of toilet paper); and toilet roll soccer.

Napkins: You'll basically never need to buy dinner napkins again. Rather than an ornately folded napkin in the shape of a swan or the Sydney Opera House, just plonk a ready-to-go Quilton roll right beside the wine glass. Bonus Tip: Encourage guests to take their own to the bathroom when the urge arises.

Research: Finally, the scientific and social research community has enough toilet rolls to put an end to the question of which is the correct way to place a roll onto a dispenser; the loose end against the wall or away from the wall? Be part of this historic survey and demographic insight by donating your rolls.

Improve Public Parks: The majority of people dread having to use the toilets at public parks, airports, train stations and at the beach, largely due to the fact they are stocked with toilet paper that is near invisible it's that thin. For the greater good, now is the perfect opportunity to take some of those excess rolls and leave them in the toilet of the nearby park. Mightn't hurt to donate a toilet brush and some soap while you're there, maybe even a pillow for the homeless person who sleeps in there.

Carpet: Floor coverings can be expensive these days so a glueing down some toilet paper when doing home renovations or building a new house might just be the ticket. It's easily replaced if there is a spill and makes house-training pets all the easier.

White Wedding: Creative types will savour the challenge to use copious amounts of toilet paper to create a wedding dress, decorations, floral arrangements and table centrepieces. Just look for the engagement announcements in the local paper or on Facebook, get in contact with them and offer your services.

Gifts from the Heart: Nothing says happy Mother's Day/Father's Day/birthday/Christmas/anniversary like a bulk consignment of toilet paper. It's the gift that says, "Hey, I care about your health and hygiene, and there's no need to use old newspaper any more while you're in my life."

Newsletter/Whiteboard: Get the attention of the office or the school by writing notices on the individual toilet paper squares. Once they've been read, they can then be put to a second use.

Stocking Filler: Not so much nick-nack gift ideas, but literally using it to fill up the majority of a Christmas stocking so there is less pressure to buy more presents. Now that's a festive money-saver!

Show Ribbons/Sashes: There is a lot of expense put into prize ribbons at local shows throughout the country, so why not replace those ribbons with strands of toilet paper? Even the Miss Showgirl competition could demonstrate its sustainability credentials by replacing the classic shoulder-to-waist sash with a lovely clean piece of absorbent tissue.