John Oliver can't stop the world ending – but he can make our last moments less painful.
The Last Week Tonight host was horrified when he saw the video CNN reportedly intended to broadcast during an apocalypse – so he created his own.
CNN's rumoured end-times farewell – leaked in January – was apparently produced in the 1980s by Ted Turner himself, billionaire founder of the cable news channel. Helpfully marked, "Hold for release until end of the world confirmed", it features a military band playing the 19th-century Christian hymn Nearer, My God, to Thee.
Most would consider Armageddon a sweet relief after watching just a few seconds of this clip.
Fortunately, Oliver has offered his video to CNN to play instead as the world implodes. (Which might happen sooner than you think. A recent poll found almost half of all Americans think recent natural disasters are evidence of biblical end times – including 77 per cent of white evangelical protestants.)
In contrast to CNN's clip, Oliver's is a more upbeat affair – albeit one that acknowledges humanity's failings as well as its achievements.
As befitting the gravitas of the situation, it is presented by Martin Sheen, who played president Jed Bartlett in The West Wing and, appropriately, starred in Apocalypse Now.
"I'm afraid if you're watching this, the end times are upon us, whether because of war, disease or a genetically-modified dinosaur," Sheen tells viewers.
"Our world is now only moments away from total annihilation."
Sheen admits we had a good run: we harnessed fire, invented languages and engineered underwater tunnels to look at sharks' tummies.
But he does not shy away from our failures, the worst of which feature in "humanity's blooper reel".
Nuclear war. The Nazis. Eating contests. The invention of the car – then a monster truck that can crush 20 cars. A man trying to dive into a frozen swimming pool. Actor Kelsey Grammer tumbling off a stage while talking about the United Nations.
"We made backpacks that look like animals, and then had those same animals wear them," Sheen said, showing a clip to prove it.
Back in the '80s, CNN believed an old religious dirge was a good way to bow out. More than three decades later, Oliver knows our tastes have changed. What we want now is cats: specifically, cats dressed in people clothes, doing people things. Hence the clip of a western saloon with cat cowboys and cat bartenders.
Oliver, who spent several years on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, has become popular with Australian viewers. He has previously described prime minister Tony Abbott as "a car crash of a human being", and last year, his program roasted Abbott in a segment called "Other countries' presidents of the United States".
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver airs Mondays at 6.30pm on The Comedy Channel.
