Viewers were split between Amazed! and Appalled! at "Merv's Moment of Truth" when the "Big Bad Bear" summoned every ounce of courage to face what host Dr Chris foreshadowed, with uncharacteristic understatement, "something that would make anyone's moustache bristle".
There was the box of 12 writhing snakes.
There were the two gold stars jealously guarded by the slithering slimy vipers.
All Merv had to do was plunge head-long among them and retrieve the stars. With his teeth. And hopefully avoid a bunch of fangs while he was at it.
With just moments to go, it was clear he was coming to his senses. "I gotta be honest with yer. I don't have to go in there if I don't like what I'm seein'."
True enough.
Tweeters were horrified at the trial, with some suggesting there was no chance that they would put their head in the box:
Merv is my hero #CelebMerv #ImACelebAU — Amyus (@amyyylaurel) February 18, 2015Would Merv go with commonsense? He'd already won nine stars, after all. More in a moment.
The episode opened with a brain-numbing discussion between hosts Dr Chris and Julia: "It's Andrew Daddo's birthday." "I think his twin brother might have his birthday on the same day." "Yeah, unusual."
Cut to a moment of truth from Brit newcomer Freddie Flintoff: "I chose to do this. I can't believe I'm here. It's really weird. I don't understand it. I don't wanna understand it. If you begin to understand it that can be a problem."
Yup.
It's Tucker Trial time and viewers have voted Merv to be the victim. He said: "People are ganging up on me." No, not people, Merv. Creatures far more nefarious.
He was anxious.
The rest of the team all said he was anxious.
Bleedin' obvious voiceover: "Everyone could tell he was anxious."
Anyone miss that?
Dr Chris: "Let's see how the man who played 53 Tests for Australia handles his biggest test yet!"
[The cricket selectors collectively groan.]
The trial is called Bad Hair Day. Reason being Merv has to stick his hair into vermin-infested glass boxes. That's head-first. And seeing Merv's hair is not on his head but under his nose, it means his whole head is going in.
There are gold stars dangling in the boxes. All he has to do is retrieve them. With his teeth.
While avoiding a mouthful of:
Box #1: rats (what, again?), 15
Box #2: ants, 20,000 (yes, props counted each one)
Box #3: locusts, 500
Box #4: Madagascan hissing cockroaches, 400
Box #5: large orb-webbed spiders, 13
Box #6: snakes, 12 . . .
But, you see, that last one is where mad Merv balks. He'd already faced — er, literally -- 20,928 nasty little critters. He'd already scored nine stars.
"I gotta be honest with yer. I don't have to go in there if I don't like what I'm seein'."
It was a good suspense-building line. Play-off to ad-break.
Come back and let's repeat it for effect.
"I gotta be honest with yer. I don't have to go in there if I don't like what I'm seein'."
We gotta be honest with yer, Merv. Don't be an idiot.
Dr Chris: "What's your biggest fear?"
Merv: "Snakes."
Dr Chris: "What are you waiting for?"
Merv: "I'm waiting for my heart-rate to get down to 200. The longer I think about it the worse it's gonna be."
And he's goin' in!
For a second there it seems he's eyeballing one of the miniature pythons as it's eyeballing him right back. Or maybe it was the editing?
And then it's over. Two gold stars in his teeth, Merv is led away, a whiter shade of pale.
Cut to the hosts:
Dr Chris (whispering): "Big effort."
Julia (whispering): "Amazing."
Why are they whispering? So they won't wake the snakes? So they won't wake us?
Tweeters went yay! for Merv.
#ImACelebAU Bonza job Merv. Bloody rippa#ImACelebAU — Leone Robertshaw (@horriblemum) February 18, 2015
@MervHughes332 what a star #ImACelebAU #ImACelebrityAU @channelten #legend — Steve Kunesevic (@Bata_Slavko) February 18, 2015Next up we see Grant Denyer astride an alligator which is precariously heading off to take a dip in the river. What, is Grant the next intruder? Nope, just an ad for The Living Room.
Back to the show, and a safety message about parasites and paralysis ticks. Oh, right, just an ad for domestic dog treatments.
Finally, back to the show, and the celebs are discussing virus transmission via saliva versus hands infected with mucous. Is it quicker to infect a partner by shaking hands or pashing on? If only this had been a commercial, too.
"Conquered your fear of snakes yet, Merv?" the team asks, all sympathy.
"No. It feels like I'm gonna go to sleep and wake up screaming."
He's not the only one.
The team rallies round.
Marcia: "I saw some tears from Merv."
Daddo and big bear Merv do a big bear-hug.
Daddo: "Now go have a shower. You smell."
Next a bit of comic relief as Barry, Julie and Chrissie play a game of water-fountain Twister, contending, like squirrels, for nuts and lollies.
Object is to block water jets on the Twister mat with any available body part so the water bypasses the mat into a balloon which must fill and explode ...
Chrissie promptly sits on a jet of water. "That's the most action I've had in three weeks."
Barry: "At least we're all having a bit of a wash."
Chrissie: "I got a bit of A action."
Julie: "A jungle enema."
Mercifully, we cut to: Joel, incredulous that "Lauren — from Hi-5 — is trying to tell JULIE GOODWIN how to cook!"
Another commercial break and we return to another game for nuts and lollies, this time a Celebrity Chest teaser: Does [the longest Aboriginal place-name in Australia] mean "Devil's Piss" or "Waterfall"? Frankly, I'd have thought one could mean the other, well, loosely, but, no; and the team get it wrong, too. They opt for B, because Joel says Aborigines didn't have a concept of the Devil. Sorry, Joel. No nuts or lollies for you.
Time to reap the winnings of Merv's head-first dive into the snake box in the Tucker Trial.
TV chef Julie is given the makings of a meal fit for a king. A very hungry one, at least. She's got croc tail, kale, beetroot, celery, onion, mangoes and lemon. Merv, still shaken, won't be partaking. A shame, considering what he went through for it.
Joel scores the honour of cooking with Julie. "It's like someone who likes tennis getting to play with Serena Williams."
Voiceover: "Julie is taking cooking to another level. We usually just throw everything into the one pan. She's doing it with two pans!"
Ambidextrous Jules is the subject of some bitter disagreement with the Hi-5er over whether beetroot can be cooked with croc.
Jules: "I'm just not doing them together and that's it." So there.
Fer God's sake, Donna Hay, Maggie Beer and even Jamie know you can't cook croc with beetroot! Get with the plan, Hi-5er!
Before lights-out, there's time for a quick game of Fill in the Celeb Name in the Real Tweets. References are to Barry's nice smile, Tyson's lack of shirts and British Freddie's need for subtitles every time he talks.
But my favourite tweet of all during tonight didn't make it onto the show:
@R_BurtonBradley Channel your inner #ImACelebAU Better than pig testicles. — Julie Garvey (@JulesGarvey) February 18, 2015
