I was disturbed by your response to a question about afriend's wife's verbal abuse (November 16). It's a tricky situation, but I cannot agree with your advice to ignore it. These "jokes" are a form of bullying. We're supposed to speak up about bullying and domestic violence, and this is where it begins. Taking sides isn't a good idea, but, even if their visitors don't know a better way of dealing with what is happening, surely they do have a right to say they're uncomfortable with what they are witnessing, or to direct them towards a relevant book or website?
Thank you for your comments. I take your point about the need to speak up about bullying and abuse.
The recent White Ribbon Day highlighted men's violence towards women, but bullying and abuse occur in all gender combinations, and is never OK. However, here, I wonder if it isamatter of degree.
I understood my correspondent was describing a socially gauche kind of barbed banter that makes people uncomfortable, but is not cruel or malicious. Many of us have made a joke at someone's expense that contains a grain of truth, hoping that the listeners' reaction will reinforce their point. It is a risky tactic and becomes inconsiderate and disrespectful if it is habitual.
Ignoring this woman's comments does not condone them. I suggested employing abasic form of behaviour modification, whereby you refuse to engage with the undesirable banter, thereby removing the positive reinforcement of giving her anaudience. Hopefully, one orboth partners will notice the silence, and will ask about it or get the hint and do something to change the dynamic.
I did advise ignoring her statements and waiting to see whether the couple work it out. However, I agree that it might be difficult to stay silent in an awkward situation. If you have to say something, choose your words very carefully to avoid appearing to take sides. Simply asking if the couple are OK might be sufficient to make them look at themselves.
What I was trying todiscourage is the tendency for outsiders to assume that they know what is going on, know how it should be fixed, and feel entitled to make judgments or offer advice.
Speaking up prematurely ismore likely to throw a roadblock into the path of the communication with these friends.
During my own 38-year relationship there have been many times when one of us has been a pain. If a friend had started telling me how to behave or conduct my relationship, I I would have become defensive, especially if we were in a social setting. If they had announced that they felt uncomfortable around us, Imight have suggested that they stay away. If they had started talking about counselling or pushing books on to me, I would not have been receptive.
In a situation where negative talk is intended to wound or demean, it might be necessary to speak up about how you feel when you witness abusive behaviour. The result, however, might be that you are excluded from the couple's company, leaving the victim isolated.
By staying connected and supportive and not taking sides, while giving an honest opinion if asked, goodwill will be maintained and any advice or resources offered will more likely be well received.
You are right to say we all need to be aware of how we relate to one another, and I thank you for recommending the following reading about bullying and abuse: Patricia Evans and Suzette Haden Elgin on verbal abuse, Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, and Words Can Change Your Brain by Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman.
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