This is the season to be jolly. Jolly well done over in an organisational change process and left with the prospect of a jolly time with an outplacement consultant. This can be a disconcerting time, to put it mildly. It is not helped by the nonsense that is too commonly communicated to the hapless individual caught up in all of this. To address this I have produced this handy guide to terminology.
Outplacement consultant. Aka corporate undertaker (use this term to their face if you like to see an indignantly puce visage). Outplacement is a great way of being put in your place. If your old employer once valued you, you might be given an office and the cover of a "special project" while you find your next billet. If, on the other hand, you are given a quick lesson in how to conduct Google searches using the term "job" it is a fair bet you your stakes were not that high.
Stakeholder. You are seen as a vampire sucking the lifeblood out of the organisation. The stakeholder takes the role of Van Helsing. It doesn't end well for the vampire.
Aligned with organisational objectives (or mission or values or standards or culture). Given the said objectives are generally broader than Kim Kardashian's posterior, almost any action can be justified as in or out of alignment. Thus appeals to the organisational objectives are thrown around like confetti, but most would be hard pressed if challenged to explain precisely the nature of this mythical alignment, to say what constitutes objective evidence of such planetary alignment and how such an alignment has any tangible impact on the bottom line.
Bottom line. This is a term that generally is on display only when things are going wrong. Like another accountancy term, visible panty line, the bottom line is rarely fully exposed, rather it is implied and alluded to. You being kicked out of the organisation does wonders for the bottom line, they will claim.
PESTLE analysis. Allegedly a Political Economic Social Technological and Legal Analysis conducted to justify sackings. In reality the Pestle is used in conjunction with the mortar, and it is you that is being ground to dust.
Consultation. Probably originally from the Latin consulere senatum, meaning gather the senate. Sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing until you realise what the senate did to Caesar, Gough Whitlam and seems poised to do to Barrack Obama. It doesn't end well.
Burning platform. An overly dramatic analogy that equates a company's fortunes to personal mortality. As the fire engulfs the burning platform, it is only good manners and the sign of a true team player to suggest that management jump first. Oddly, don't expect them to take you up on your selfless offer. Turns out the platform wasn't burning, just cigar smoke and hot air emanating from the board room.
Jim Bright is Professor of Career Education and Development at ACU and a Partner at Bright and Associates. Email opinion@jimbright.com. Follow @DrJimBright.
