Welcome to the war of independence. Buckle up, it's going to be a long and messy ride.
Expect slammed doors, tears, tantrums and moments of hand-wringing despair. Your bathroom will become a battlefield.
For parents and teens alike, the adolescent years can be a traumatic time. How to survive it is one of the great familial challenges.
So what exactly is going on in the teenage brain? And in warring households, how can a truce be reached?
Andrew Fuller believes if more parents understood this "enormous soup bowl of hormones and neurochemicals", the road through adolescence might not be so rocky.
Drawing on 30 years of knowledge as a clinical psychologist he has come up with a guidebook to navigate the difficult terrain. Released on Monday, Tricky Teens: How to create a great relationship with your teenager without going crazy outlines how to cope with the moods swings and erratic behaviour that are so often the hallmarks of adolescent life.
Key to maintaining a healthy relationship is recognising that your child is not your friend. "Kids actually need to have the sense that their parents run their families. Your teenager doesn't want or need a 40-something-year-old friend. Parents need to run their families like a benevolent dictatorship not a democracy," Fuller, founding member of Resilient Youth Australia, told The Sunday Age.
"We all essentially have two brains. One is the very old dinosaur brain, we call it Rex, the other part is the more evolved, genius, self-aware part which we call Albert. We all like to think our Albert should be in charge of our Rex but the opposite is true, particularly in teenagers. Their Albert - the pre-frontal cortex responsible for planning, impulse control, forethought and delay gratification - is going through a restructure so even though they look like mini adults their brains aren't fully developed yet. Don't expect them to react they way you would."
For this reason, Fuller believes arguing with teenagers is a skill that requires practice. Lecturing, yelling and rationalising are unlikely to achieve the desired effect.
"Be prepared to be direct. Often the problem between mothers and daughters is they tend to soften the blow too much - "Do you think that skirt's maybe a bit too short? Do you think that outfit works?" This infuriates teenage girls. Fathers can be too instructional, particularly with their sons. They see discussions as a way of solving a problem rather than an interaction. They need to learn to hand over their Mr Fix-It hat and involve their kids in solutions because then sons get the sense they're respected."
Susan Sawyer, director of the Royal Children's Hospital's Centre for Adolescent Health in Melbourne, said one of the major misconceptions parents have is that teenagers no longer need them.
"Younger children tell them, 'I love you mummy' and they get hugs and that positive reinforcement, but it's harder for parents to appreciate the impact they are having in teen years and the danger is they pull back prematurely because they're not getting the warm fuzzies," Professor Sawyer said. "But teens probably need their parents more than ever before in helping them make sense of the world and to provide emotional support so they can step out beyond the family and find their independence."
Both experts agree that routine and structure are essential for teenagers to thrive. Limiting computer usage and ensuring they eat well, get enough sleep and exercise regularly will help to create a calmer home environment by reducing the brain's stress hormones cortisol and adrenalin, and boosting serotonin, a natural antidepressant.
Parents must also learn to slow down and listen to their children, said Sawyer. "These days, parents often don't have that day-to-day engagement with their kids which used to happen over household chores like washing and drying up so they need to find time to have those deep and meaningful conversations. It's often these incidental, sideways conversations that happen when you're driving from A to B that can be really important."
Fuller, who works with about 10,000 teenagers a year, maintains that rather than dictating a list of things they should not do, parents would be better placed teaching adolescents lessons such as the difference between having a rich life and being wealthy.
He also urges parents to worry less about their children's sexual behaviour and instead teach them what is important when selecting a partner and falling in love.
"In this rushed life we want our kids to be happy, competent and capable but that is determined by a whole lot of things that we often don't get the chance to talk about because we're too busy," he said. "You can tell your kids until you're blue in the face, 'Don't take drugs, don't drink, don't have sex with the wrong people' but you actually have to tell them why, and how they can have a more meaningful life."
jstark@fairfaxmedia.com.au
